Honesty is the best policy

I am pissed off. I am hurt. I am mad. I am sad. I am lots of things but the biggest thing is being upset with myself for letting certain things bother me. I have always had some pretty shady friends. It seems like almost all my local friends are only around when they want to tell me some drama, the good things in their life or they need something. It just hits me hard when I realize I have been off from work for almost 8 months and not one has been to my house except on May 2nd for my son's 2nd birthday. Not one. Sad huh? Everyone expects me to drive to them, to drop everything and drag my kids everywhere but not come to my house. The excuse? you live so far away, I am busy, I am bad at it. You name it- I have heard it. Can you tell I am feeling lonely? I ran into someone this weekend I haven't seen in 7 months and she said I looked sad and lonely. Boy if you only knew. So what does this mean? I have let this affect every aspect of my life. I don't run like I used to, I eat food like I am 6-9 months pregnant or it is my last meal and I am just angry. I do have something else going on that I am truly not ready to talk about yet, I will in due time but for now I am trying to process and work through myself. It has to do with one of my kids, nothing life threatening just some things going on that are hard to swallow. As a mom, you only want the best for your kids. I am a true advocate for doing what is best for my kids but it isn't always easy and truly drains me most days. Running has sucked lately. Luckily I am not in training mode yet but I am gearing up for it. If I don't start soon, I will be in terrible shape for the marathon. Which is another reason for eating right, I need to feel good and being actively fit to be able to participate in a 26.2 mile run. Right now, I am sure I would die around a 5k mark. Sad but true. Self doubt. No time to myself and a million ideas running through my head. I literally eat like I will never get to eat again. This is absurd because I know what needs to be done. Hell I am eating things I would normally never eat. Why? I can imagine most of it is stress but I think it is the only comfort I have right now. The only thing that is there 24-7. Sad. My friend Emily proposed a good commitment/challenge- no binging from November 26- December 25. I love this idea. This is roughly 5 weeks of being good and taking care of my body. I need to fuel my body with only good things, not toxic junk. I don't eat sweets, so why would I eat them now to try and cure my sadness? Crazy I tell you...

Binge eating

Binge eating at its finest. I tell you it is not pretty nor planned. I am not sure what my deal is except TOM has arrived and I have 101 things going through my head as I figured out the next steps in my plan of life. Anybody who knows me knows I always have a plan but right now I don't have a solid one and it is causing me to go a bit crazy. I LOVE staying home with my little one and getting him the help he needs to talk more and get up to the rest of the kids his age but it doesn't pay the bills if you know what I mean but I really don't want to go back to a boring desk job that doesn't fulfill me whatsoever. What is a girl to do? I haven't ran as much as I would like but I am working on it slowly. I have a 3 miler scheduled tomorrow and should be able to do that with the kids schedule and such.I am just trying to stay on top of running before the real training schedule starts in late January. I can say I am deathly afraid to run a marathon because 13.1 miles about killed me but I plan to give it everything I can and see what happens. I am utterly afraid of failure and all that it represents. I don't want anyone to think wow I can't believe she thought she could do it or look at that fat ass run? Yes I know this is my own insecurities shining through but I have never liked the person I see in the mirror. I am trying. Not hard enough obviously because I am binge eating like I am eating for 2 or that I am having my last meal. I have watched many people have success losing weight. Why is it SO damn hard? Why do I keep going back to my old habits? I don't want to damnit! I want to be fit, feel happy and comfortable in my own skin. I want people to think wow she is healthy and happy. Screw being skinny because fit is what I am going for. I will never be a size 8 again I am sure but I would settle for 10/12. Perfect for my height and body build. I need to find something that sticks and just go. I am lost in my own sense of insecurities and my own twisted thoughts. I can't rely on others to be my voice of reason- I have to do this for me. Yes for my kids too but for me because if I am happy, my kids have a happier mom and see that. So what do I do first? Forgive myself for my sins and brush myself off and keep moving forward. I am back to tracking my food and using my fitbit. I have been making sure I have some me time even if it is 10 minutes a day, like right now, the kids are sleeping and I am blogging. I could never accomplish this while they are awake because they keep me on my toes and it is a constant distraction. I keep to my meal plan for the week, keep chugging water and to my running schedule. If I do this, it is a place to start and I can add more as I keep going. Just keep swimming... I can at least honestly say that even though I am binge eating, I am not reverting back to my old ways of starving myself or making myself throw up so right there is a true NSV. I will always have these thoughts I am sure but at least I am not even thinking about it, after all, I have kids that are counting on me to be there for a long time to come.

FASTEST run to date

Truth be told, I tried to write a few times and kept losing my post but I am determined to make it stick now. I ran last night, it was the only time I could and it was pouring outside so I went to the local community center. I ran 5 miles in 33:48 - average pace of 6:46. Listen here- that is my fastest ever. I was mad, angry, upset and determined to get the hell out of the community center as fast I could. I had two devices logging my distance and time so I know I did well. Mile 1: 6:04, Mile 2: 6:03, Mile 3: 7:09, Mile 4: 7:11, and Mile 5: 7:23. As you can see, I slowed way down a difference of over a minute a mile but I still succeeded at my 'angry' run. I averaged 9:30 pace for the half and shooting for 10:00 for the marathon. I guess I took seriously putting my headphones in listening to LOUD music (and I normally listen to country) and just running my heart out. I am darn proud of myself but know I can't maintain a pace like that but still happy to know I could do it. Today is my rest day from running but I am hoping to make it to the community center to do the elliptical, walk, bike or lift weights. I am not sure. I am so lost on cross training, I know all is good but I haven't done much and regretted that with my half marathon training so maybe after this post I will look up some ideas while the little one naps. Friday is 5 miles (10:23-11:18), Saturday is rest and Sunday is 5 miles again (9:23-10:23 min/mile). This my asics app I am using predicts I should run the marathon in around 4:17:03 - that seems surreal to me. I will be happy with anything under the van picking me up from behind. I am truly motivated by races and while training stinks and is time consuming, I strive on it and miss it. Truly an illness if you ask me but other runners may agree. Eating has been on point this week. I started tracking in etools again (Weight Watchers app) and it makes me feel good to know I am back in control of myself again. I have been neglecting myself lately and now I am saying no more, I am worth more. I am worth taking care of me. I need to love myself because truly right now I feel like a nobody. I clean up kids messes all day long, then deal with pre-teen drama and then clean up more messes from the rest of my family. I need more. I want more. This marathon is proving to myself that after 10 years of wanting to do this, signing up twice before that I can and will succeed even if I crawl over the finish line. I have always been 'all or nothing' - now I am doing what I set out to do and that is do something that makes me happy. Maybe if I say it a bunch, it will click? I feel like a broken record but maybe if I keep saying it, I will finally believe it. I want to lose this weight and I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Some days yes it is..

Decision #1

I have decided it is high time to take control of my life again and do something for me. 2014/15, I ran a half marathon in 2 hours and 4 minutes (20 minutes faster than I anticipated for my first time) and I lost 47 lbs. Since that day of the half, I have lost my motivation and dedication of taking care of me. Why? I don't know- could be my schedule changed, I no longer was working a 7-3 job or the fact that losing weight isn't as easy but one thing is certain, I put myself on the back burner. Not anymore. As of Monday night, I signed up to run my biggest race yet. I am running Grandma's Marathon on June 18, 2016. To say I am nervous and excited is a true understatement. My friend Stef came all the way from Pittsburgh this year to do the half with me and she is doing the half again this next summer. I am blessed I have a friend crazy enough to do these kinds of things with because let's face it running crazy distances isn't for everybody. I downloaded an app my friend Emily told me about called My Asics and it is awesome. I ran my first run/jog yesterday in the pre-conditioning part of my training plan. 3 miles in 30:34 - not my fastest but faster than what the plan told me and it felt awesome. So yep I took my measurements and my before pictures. I figured that when the scale isn't being so friendly, maybe measurements will be. The scale isn't the only reflection of success and I know that deep down but I need to instill this in my brain and keep reminding myself I am better than just a number I see. I haven't stepped on the scale yet this week, I am still toying with if I want to continue my WW membership or not. I am so fixated on the number but I love the feedback and knowledge I receive at the meetings. I have until the end of this month since I just paid for another month to decide so we'll see what this month brings. Am I proud of how I look now? no but I am proud I have maintained my loss and continue to exercise. I can climb through the tubes and go down the slides with my 2.5 year old so I am pretty happy about that. The pics are the ones I took the other day. Sorry for the bathroom photos, nobody was home and I was determined to get them done before I forgot or decided against it. My ultimate goal is to honestly like a picture I take and be able to keep up with my kids. Beyond that? it's just an added bonus.

I started making a list of all the reasons I want to run this marathon, I am almost finished so when I do, I will make sure to post. Crazy or not, walk or run- I will cross that finish line next summer. I have always been an all or nothing girl but no matter what, I need to do this. Instead of dreaming and wanting it, I am going to just do it and do the best that I can. So my new goals for 2015/2016... 1) lose the next 50-60 lbs 2) be kind to myself 3) run Grandma's marathon! 4) run at least some sort of race at least every other month (being realistic) 5) have fun and enjoy life 6) find myself again- I am more than just mom, babysitter, friend, auntie... I will add more as time goes on but these are big ones for me. Thanks for following me on my journey, I have enjoyed reading others and always wondered if I should write my thoughts down so when I am having a down or bad day, I can go back and read what I have wrote. Love that I have so many supporters and friends that understand my craziness and goals whether it be finding yourself, running that certain race, hitting a certain goal or just being happy being you. Love, Jaime