Binge eating

Binge eating at its finest. I tell you it is not pretty nor planned. I am not sure what my deal is except TOM has arrived and I have 101 things going through my head as I figured out the next steps in my plan of life. Anybody who knows me knows I always have a plan but right now I don't have a solid one and it is causing me to go a bit crazy. I LOVE staying home with my little one and getting him the help he needs to talk more and get up to the rest of the kids his age but it doesn't pay the bills if you know what I mean but I really don't want to go back to a boring desk job that doesn't fulfill me whatsoever. What is a girl to do? I haven't ran as much as I would like but I am working on it slowly. I have a 3 miler scheduled tomorrow and should be able to do that with the kids schedule and such.I am just trying to stay on top of running before the real training schedule starts in late January. I can say I am deathly afraid to run a marathon because 13.1 miles about killed me but I plan to give it everything I can and see what happens. I am utterly afraid of failure and all that it represents. I don't want anyone to think wow I can't believe she thought she could do it or look at that fat ass run? Yes I know this is my own insecurities shining through but I have never liked the person I see in the mirror. I am trying. Not hard enough obviously because I am binge eating like I am eating for 2 or that I am having my last meal. I have watched many people have success losing weight. Why is it SO damn hard? Why do I keep going back to my old habits? I don't want to damnit! I want to be fit, feel happy and comfortable in my own skin. I want people to think wow she is healthy and happy. Screw being skinny because fit is what I am going for. I will never be a size 8 again I am sure but I would settle for 10/12. Perfect for my height and body build. I need to find something that sticks and just go. I am lost in my own sense of insecurities and my own twisted thoughts. I can't rely on others to be my voice of reason- I have to do this for me. Yes for my kids too but for me because if I am happy, my kids have a happier mom and see that. So what do I do first? Forgive myself for my sins and brush myself off and keep moving forward. I am back to tracking my food and using my fitbit. I have been making sure I have some me time even if it is 10 minutes a day, like right now, the kids are sleeping and I am blogging. I could never accomplish this while they are awake because they keep me on my toes and it is a constant distraction. I keep to my meal plan for the week, keep chugging water and to my running schedule. If I do this, it is a place to start and I can add more as I keep going. Just keep swimming... I can at least honestly say that even though I am binge eating, I am not reverting back to my old ways of starving myself or making myself throw up so right there is a true NSV. I will always have these thoughts I am sure but at least I am not even thinking about it, after all, I have kids that are counting on me to be there for a long time to come.