FASTEST run to date

Truth be told, I tried to write a few times and kept losing my post but I am determined to make it stick now. I ran last night, it was the only time I could and it was pouring outside so I went to the local community center. I ran 5 miles in 33:48 - average pace of 6:46. Listen here- that is my fastest ever. I was mad, angry, upset and determined to get the hell out of the community center as fast I could. I had two devices logging my distance and time so I know I did well. Mile 1: 6:04, Mile 2: 6:03, Mile 3: 7:09, Mile 4: 7:11, and Mile 5: 7:23. As you can see, I slowed way down a difference of over a minute a mile but I still succeeded at my 'angry' run. I averaged 9:30 pace for the half and shooting for 10:00 for the marathon. I guess I took seriously putting my headphones in listening to LOUD music (and I normally listen to country) and just running my heart out. I am darn proud of myself but know I can't maintain a pace like that but still happy to know I could do it. Today is my rest day from running but I am hoping to make it to the community center to do the elliptical, walk, bike or lift weights. I am not sure. I am so lost on cross training, I know all is good but I haven't done much and regretted that with my half marathon training so maybe after this post I will look up some ideas while the little one naps. Friday is 5 miles (10:23-11:18), Saturday is rest and Sunday is 5 miles again (9:23-10:23 min/mile). This my asics app I am using predicts I should run the marathon in around 4:17:03 - that seems surreal to me. I will be happy with anything under the van picking me up from behind. I am truly motivated by races and while training stinks and is time consuming, I strive on it and miss it. Truly an illness if you ask me but other runners may agree. Eating has been on point this week. I started tracking in etools again (Weight Watchers app) and it makes me feel good to know I am back in control of myself again. I have been neglecting myself lately and now I am saying no more, I am worth more. I am worth taking care of me. I need to love myself because truly right now I feel like a nobody. I clean up kids messes all day long, then deal with pre-teen drama and then clean up more messes from the rest of my family. I need more. I want more. This marathon is proving to myself that after 10 years of wanting to do this, signing up twice before that I can and will succeed even if I crawl over the finish line. I have always been 'all or nothing' - now I am doing what I set out to do and that is do something that makes me happy. Maybe if I say it a bunch, it will click? I feel like a broken record but maybe if I keep saying it, I will finally believe it. I want to lose this weight and I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Some days yes it is..